If I only knew the risks...a reflection on adoption to date.

Can I be honest right now.  The past week or so, I've been having cold feet about the entire adoption process.  This is a total "spill it all" post, so you're going to read a bit of our honest fears and thoughts, which isn't easy, but necessary for me to just get it out there.  Especially when the question is always, "How's the adoption going?" 

Did you know that international adoption isn't easy. (well, I'd be willing to bet domestic, too) And when I say "isn't easy", I don't mean that lightly.  The process isn't hugely difficult.  You have to be open to having your life gone through with a fine-tooth comb, which we didn't entirely enjoy.  You have to fill out a million forms and ask people to support you.  Visit your bank, your insurance provider and your HR rep to verify you're in good standings and write out a bunch of checks.  Homeland Security has to ensure you're a "good person", too.

All of that is understandable, but here's my issue - all programs...I'm pretty much thinking everyone one...is not the right one for us.  In fact, many (many!) countries are closed currently.  I say we missed our opportunity by a few years.  The countries that are open are mainly open for special needs. 

Special needs can be anything from a missing finger or limb to spinal bifida to autism to blindness or deafness to well, so many things.  There are some really major needs and some pretty minor needs, but needs none the less. And thank God for those families with hearts wide open to those needs! I've been so blessed to read so many amazing families with open hearts to the biggest range of needs available!

And if you find a country that is open to adoption on NON-special needs kids (which right now, isn't easy to find.)  you're also looking at other issues - prenatal exposure to alcohol, for example.  And then, you have to worry about what life is like currently for that child and if that child will be able to attach to you.

And attachment is a whole topic in and of itself.  There are so many things people look at, like was the child in foster or an orphanage, did they bond once before? Were they moved around so many times that they never got the chance to bond, was their orphanage short on care takers so much that they didn't ever get the chance to know what it was to bond to an adult.

Add in the fears of older child adoption, where SOOOOO many online things say that the child is never going to be happy or adjust and he/she is going to eventually hate you. (my words). It's enough to scare you right out of the game instantly!!

And then, there's timeframe.  We're in the S. Korea program, and we'd most likely be getting a referral of a 5-7mo old. (Which has been a big compromise for me because I"m not certain about the age difference between Logan and Miles and the new child.)  Korea is trying to encourage domestic adoption and stop international adoption, so they've put a quota on the number of kids that will be able to leave Korea each year.  It's already been hit for the year.  So, people are looking now at 14 months post referral to travel for the one that used to be 11 months, and remember the one that said 2-4 months? Now at 9-10 months.  So that baby...not going to be a baby. Though we're open to an older child adoption from S. Korea as well. 

And then I add in the fact that I am blessed currently. HAPPY and blessed and have wonderful kids.  Do I really want to wait until 2013 to add to my family?  And what will it be like when I have an 8 and 11 year old?  Life will be even easier.

And so I'm acknowledging these feelings and if you've been down the road, I'd appreciate encouragement, but not the "adoption isn't for the feint of heart, because my heart is something I'm struggling with already...." I'll be honest and say it would be easy to just chalk up the time and $$ already spent as personal growth for Dave and my marriage. (Cause it has been!) and move out of this role.

But then, while doing some research, I came across this wonderful statement from someone that touched on the fears...

• If I would have only known the risks that could have come out of marriage, would I have gotten married?
• If I would have only known when I was 16 how many people die each year from car accidents, would I have gotten my liscense?
• If I would have only known how many medical issues my kids could have had, would I have even had kids?
• Or if I would have known how many women die giving birth, would I have risked my life?
• What about every time I get on an airplane? 

And so, we keep walking ahead, admitting our fears and talking about them. Something that Dave and I are acknowledging as a couple:

• Just because you want to get pregnant does not mean you will be able to get pregnant. 
• Just because you get pregnant does not mean you will have a baby. 
• Just because you want to adopt does not mean that there will be a child adopted into your family.

And that's just something that we're being honest about.  And I'll touch on my faith side of this, too.  I know that doors will open that God wants to open and doors will close that God wants to close.  I don't know if adoption is God's goal in all of this. But I know He's directing the show and we're following His lead, faithfully.

UPDATE:

I think it's so good that I was honest and put this post up, and guess what? Your posts back to me were so beneficial.  I can tell you it was a moment of cold feet.  A being honest and admitting my fear.  And as Brett so perfectly put, I over it already!!  I'm not afraid - I think I needed to just purge these feelings so I could move on to the next feelings.

I'm still not 100% positive what the outcome of this process will be - where will this road take us, but I do know that every part of it has been beneficial to date.  Our marriage, though always strong, has gotten stronger.  I feel now more than ever that my husband has "got my back", so to say.  Our adoption circle in real life is so small that I don't have anyone in real life to talk about these fears, and so, I wrote them, and the amazing internet responded.  Thank you, to those of you who did.

Now, let's get on with this adoption process, shall we!? ;)