Emotions Bubbling

It's a funny thing, adoption, and all of the emotions that go along with it.  And the conversations that go along with it.

Like the conversation we had yesterday where the woman asked me if she "has been socialized well?  Cause I hear all kinds of stories about kids that weren't socialized." (Did you cringe at that word like I did?) The woman was harmless, really, and genuinely happy for us, but that was just weird and I changed the conversation immediately.  Apparently someone she knows started the adoption process and decided that because she couldn't know how socialized this child was, she couldn't say yes.  Well...hm.  Another post on that coming soon.

I've mentioned before the crazy feeling of missing Cora, though we've never met.  And I can't quite verbalize that to make it understandable.  We have videos of Cora and her little BFF and I watch them and feel like I'm getting a glimpse of her.  Her laugh, (oooh, her laugh!!) and her little voice and her toys she likes to play with.  Her fingers and hair and eyes. The different expressions on her face.  It's a glimpse...just a glimpse. And I long for more. 

And I think about what life will be like when she joins us.  We had an amazing family weekend at Wisconsin Dells this past weekend.  The boys and Dave were in the pool and I thought about when we have Cora with us, how sweet that will be.  We ate at a restaurant with an arcade and the kids were playing and Dave says, "Where will we sit when we have 5 people in our family? Every table is made for four!" She's present, though she's so far away.

And then there's the switching feelings of pure excitement and pure sadness of missing her and knowing we won't see her for maybe 6 months or more.  If my heart feels like it misses her now, what will it feel like when it's 4 months from now. 5 months from now.  And how you get the feeling that that's not the face that anyone wants to see.

"How's it going with the adoption?"  is a common question and we have so many happy things to say, but the second we say, "But the wait is so hard..." the mood changes and really, what can people say who haven't been there? So we try not to go there.

I've heard the comparison of pregnancy to adoption.  In many ways, it is very very similar! Adoption is a joyous, happy thing! Like pregnancy. There is the longing, the anticipation, the frustration, the anxiousness, the feelings of just getting the wait over.  Let's not forget about the comfort food and weight gain. :) (This summer has not been kind to my waistline.)

Just like a pregnant couple has to wait so many month to get a glimpse of their baby, we have to wait so long to see ours. Almost exactly the same time, actually.  

But, the biggest, hugest, as my kids say, difference is that the couple who is able to do nothing but wait for their baby growing in mom's belly knows that whenever that baby comes, it will be day one. They won't miss a beat.

Now, obviously I know that we chose an older child for many reasons, and day 1 isn't an issue for us.  Or month 1, or year 1, year 2 or year 3. But 4! Year 4 IS important to us.  And thus, though we're anxiously waiting like every other expectant parent, we're missing days. Months. of the life we've already missed years of. So, while there are many similarities, the waiting just doesn't feel the same.

But it's all we can do.  Wait. Pray. Gather things. Prepare. Plan. Think ahead. Watch videos. Print pictures and put in frames. Allow the heart, just a little bit, to go there - a place a year from now when there really are 5 people to sit at the table in the restaurant. But just for a minute because it's hard to do that and then wait.

So where are we right at the moment? We are overfilled with joy.  We're excited.  We're expanding. (No, I don't mean my hips. Well, ok, they're expanding, too.) We feel God's presence in our wait.  We trust that God is in control of this entire process.  We miss her. We long for her physical presence and take comfort in her videos and pictures. We wonder what she smells like. How her hair feels. How her hand will feel in ours. We wonder what size her shoes are.  We know that she's a bit taller than Logan's belly button and right at Miles' chest. We're preparing - our home and our hearts. And we're sad that we're in the middle of a political stand that affects our family. But mostly, we're just anxious and excited and joyful and happy and longing for the day our 4 becomes 5.  It is already 5, she's just not here at our table yet. ;)